As his annual preview of the year ahead for the wine world has begun to take on mythical status within the industry, Chris Losh is loathe to tamper with a winning formula. We present, then, Chris’s look at what the first six months of 2014 have in store for wine.
January
The year starts badly for the head of the Bureau Interprofessionnel des Vins du Bourgogne (CIVB) in Beaune when he is sacked for “not knowing what the fox says”. “We felt we needed someone who was more in touch with fashionable youth culture,’ said a spokesman. ‘Chow chow chow chow cha-cha chow.”
‘Ethics Girl’ storms into the blogosphere with an edgy mix of wine criticism and social conscience. “It’s a disgrace that privileged westerners waste money on wine when people are starving,” she fumes. “But, if they’re going to do it, I’m here to make sure they drink good stuff.’ Her first column features ‘wines to cheer you up if you’re feeling down about homelessness.”
Constellation Brands runs into trouble with regulators when it launches a wine with no label bar a thin, vertical strip containing health-warnings and the abv. “We don’t think that calling this wine ‘The Brazilian’ sends the right message at all,” says a spokesman for the health lobby group Booze is Evil. “It could encourage eleven year olds to have sex.”
February
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By GlobalDataThe wine world mourns the unfortunate death of three journalists in a freak ‘pitting’ accident in Chile. The writers were at the bottom of a 20-foot deep hole in Maipo designed to show off the region’s terroir when the sides collapsed. “It’s very sad,” says winery owner Conchi Toro, “but it also proves how well our alluvial soil drains – which is why it’s so good for Cabernet.”
Uproar in Champagne, when initial plans for the extension of the vineyard area reveal that a First World War cemetery, the back garden of the president of the Comité Interprofessionnel du Vin de Champagne and the central reservation of the A26 autoroute are expected to become part of the appellation. “Such a wholesale increase makes a mockery of our terroir and our history,” fumes Harry Stocrat of Polly-Charles Pipinger. “Especially when they passed over my own estate, just because it is in Paris…”
After 18 months without an editor, Decanter finally appoints a new man to the helm. “Sven-Goran Eriksson has a proven track record in motivating a team and delivering results at the highest level,” says a spokesman for IPC. “Plus he was the only applicant.”
March
With 2m Facebook ‘likes’ and the hashtags #iwantabrazilian and #handsoffmybrazilian trending on Twitter, the authorities allow Constellation to reintroduce its controversial wine. The company even adds an upmarket sparkler with diamante sprinkles called ‘The Vajazzle’.
Amazon shocks the wine world when it announces that it is moving into wine retailing. “Given that there’s millions of litres of crap wine slopping around and a generally ignorant consumer base, it is a perfect fit with our business model,” says company president Payne O’Tax.
The growth of English sparkling wine is dismissed by figures in the French wine world. “They talk about this as though it’s a mass movement, but often it’s just two or three good producers getting all the coverage and an awful lot of very average wine below that,” says a spokesman for the CIVB in Bordeaux, apparently without irony.
April
There is astonishment in Bordeaux as Mouton Rothschild puts its en primeurs on the market at EUR65 per case. “These prices are frankly ridiculous,” says one observer. “No-one will pay that much for wines from 2013.” Decanter’s new editor causes uproar when he suggests that “EUR65 does, indeed, seem quite high – that’s almost twice the price of Blossom Hill.”
Controversial blogger ‘Ethics Girl’ creates a storm when she posts her “Top ten wines to try while watching Syrian civil war footage”. “Bombs on your telly? Try fruit bombs in your glass!” she advises.
Relations between the US and South Africa are strained when the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms reclassifies Pinotage from ‘beverage’ to ‘mild toxin’.
May
Organisers of the Organic and Natural Wine Fair, held in a San Francisco art gallery, are left red-faced when the wine chosen as ‘Best in Show’ by a team of tasters turns out to be the resident artist’s brush-cleaner. “It was kind of orange and cloudy and muddy-tasting,” explains panel chairman Roxy Dation, “so it was impossible to tell it apart from the others.”
Two wine journalists are awarded the world record for ‘longest continuous Twitter argument’. Taking in marketing, supermarkets, margins, residual sugar, wine styles, China, the role of digital media, wine on TV, back labels, front labels, back-to-front labels, food matching, consumer attitudes, lessons from tobacco, brand building, alcohol levels, minimum pricing, advertising, natural yeast and Parker points over a period of 14 months, it is hailed by the Guinness Book of Records as “a pointless exercise in egomania”.
At Decanter, Sven-Goran Eriksson introduces a Fantasy Wine League. “Wine is a little stuffy,” he says. “There is much it could learn from other industries.” The IPC management say the new editor “has their full support”.
June
Accolade Wines admits that its ‘employee rationalisation programme’ might have gone too far when it transpires that the company does not have enough staff to man its 3mx2m stand at the London Wine Fair. “There’s only me and the cleaner,” says the company’s European VP for marketing, sales, communications & product development. “And, she’s not full-time.”
2013’s freak weather leads to a tripling in the cost of oak prices. “This is a disaster for our bodegueros, who can no longer afford to buy barrels,” says Juan-Ina Million, spokesman for Wines of Spain. “Fans of Spanish wine should be aware that, for a couple of vintages, there is a very real risk that our wines might taste of fruit.”
The first ever Wine World Cup takes place in France and is hailed as a huge success. With instant blind-tasting shoot-outs, yellow cards for faulty wines and a tense knock-out stage, it captures the imagination of the French public, who are delighted to see their winemakers lift the trophy. “We learned a lot from watching how FIFA runs its operations,” says event organiser, Sekt Bitter, “and we plan to build on this great start in Saudi Arabia in four years’ time.”
Following a disappointing summer issue, Sven-Goran Eriksson is sacked as editor of Decanter.
Part two of Chris Losh’s preview of 2014 will run on just-drinks next week.
